Well, a large moment has happened. My Dad died on December 29th at HIGH NOON on a Sunday - can you believe it? It was like he went down slinging in Old West Gun Fighter fashion and I can really think of no better time for him to go.
Anyone that would read this would know this, but in case my David and I ever have a child and they want to know about their Grandad on my side of the family, here are a few observations.
As David often says, Dad was a man defined by violence, but at the same time the most gentle and loyal of souls.
He grew up in a very stern household on a farm on Snow Avenue in North Nashville (Madison) which is now an apartment complex I think. His mother Lois Beasley Hill was very gentle, always wore a skirt and never sat down. I never had a real conversation with her until right before she died and I think she knew she had Alzheimers. His dad, Tom Hill was where the violent streak came from - Grandad was a good and honest man I know but he also beat the hell out of my dad when he was a kid as his dad had beat him and as my Dad would beat on my brother. The violence must want each generation and of course with time in most men as they age. My dad was the gentlest of men in his second marriage to Lagena and my brother will assure that all violent tendencies died with dad. My brother is not a perfect man (no one is) but he has always been a great father and very gentle with everyone.
This makes my dad sound like a horrible person and that's quite the opposite, yet for documentation, I can't not mention the hundreds of times that we feared him and that my mother cried and that he abused her. My brother and I begged her to leave him. Charlie and I both hated him along the way. He cheated on mom, gave her a disease, but then he would ask for forgiveness and she really did love him and he loved her. I can't try and figure any of that out now and it doesn't matter now. I do know my mom took a vow before God to marry my dad and she believed in upholding her vow, for better or for worse, period. That's the kind of lady she was. Mom had sarcoidosis and continued to worsen in my high school/college years. She died in 1997 and by then, Dad had really gentled. There was no way to be harsh with her, she was too weak. They finally had a good marriage and then, she died.
I introduced Dad to Lagena Rosenthal at an Obion County (where I was the assistant band director) football game in which the band was performing. I asked Lagena to watch after my dad during half time and she watch after him from that point on.
We started out a bit rocky, but not too much. Lagena's son Ben was one of my students. I knew she was lonely as we had bonded on several band trips and I knew what a great lady she was. When I introduced them though, courtship was not in my head, but it was in my dad's. I knew he would rebound quickly, but he asked Lagena out 18 days after my mom died - yes, I know because I counted the days on the calendar and wrote it down in disbelief. He invited her to our house and I was still cleaning out my mother's clothes with her friend Judy that had driven down from Nashville. It was very awkward, but I remember actually giving Lagena some of mom's clothes because she was there and commenting on the fact that they were pretty. I didn't want her there, but I just couldn't say anything. I did to dad later though and I think he bought me some time after that, but I don't recall if he said anything to lagena. I didn't want to upset anyone. We had words only once and it was after they were married. I took the Affagan my grandmother made for me and Lagena questioned that and said I am married to your dad and now everything that belonged to him now belongs to me. That didn't sit very well with me at the time with a hand made item made for me by a woman she had never met....that was rough, but that was it. I have never been one to hold a grudge, my dad was never so happy, and we pursued a good life all together. I didn't go over and hang out with Lagena's family on holidays or anything, but we were always good together. We all visited each other regularly and after I got the job at UTM in 2005, we really became a family.
Now to more the point of the story after some awkward yet important history to document.
I had the rare opportunity to witness my dad lead a second life.
A few asides here, mom always cried when she was terribly sick - she couldn't stop working for surgery as we would lose our house - I told her to screw the house, we could get an apartment and her living was the most important thing. She wouldn't though. She had put everything into our house and she wasn't going to lose it. She would cry and say the only way for us to get out of debt was for her to die. I think money was really the main problem in her and dad's relationship and I think that's even why he would cheat on her. He didn't provide for her/us like he wanted to and he felt like less of a man and went elsewhere to feel more like a man. We had some very happy time together but they were in those few times that either dad was earning money better than usual or that mom was (things got better for us/not her) when she entered the day care business. My mom's parents, Casey and Lil Harrison were simple people. They worked at the Martin Manufacturing Company their whole lives for very little wage, but they had a tiny house and spent very little, so they would always try and help bail us out if we were about to lose our home. This did not help dad's manly pride as you can imagine.
Once mom died, dad was flush with cash. That might sound harsh, but he was. I had planned to try and help him make a financial plan, but Lagena was in the picture so fast that he really didn't need me for that. I remember he drove up to the old band room at Obion Co one day after practice and he gave me a check for $1000 bucks and he told me I deserved it and that was it. He never gave Charlie anything as they had a bad relationship by then and Charlie had gone to the house when they weren't home and taken things back that " he bought", but mom and dad had put a second mortgage on their house to help him get his feet under him and it wasn't the right thing to do. Too messy to even try and explain all of that, but don't do business with family. Period.
So, dad paid off the house with mom's life insurance money and was able to pay off the bankruptcy loan (for the business in which Gaius, my dad, and my brother had gone into together). My mom signed off on this with eyes wide open so I don't blame the men, but I blame the men. She died trying to pay that stupid bankruptcy and no one helped her. She was just left with it and then when she died, dad got a free house and no debt. I haven't thought about these things in a long time which is good I guess. But, it's also good not to forget everything. Mom instilled in me a necessity to be independent and never depend on a man and that worked. It almost worked too well as I wouldn't form any kind of permanent romantic relationship with anyone (boyfriends yes, but marriage no way). I had a career to build and things to accomplish. Until I met David. Everything changed after I fell in love with him. Ok, this is not about David, but that relates back to independence and mom, etc..,
Lagena sold her house to her son Ben after a few years and they were a truck driving team and made quite a bit of money and then dad finally retired. They were comfortable with no debt and Lagena took a job at the Shoe Shack in Martin.
From here the story is only one of happiness until one day, I got a call from Lagena that they saw a large brain tumor on dad's mri.
Dad had become a Martin celebrity since my coming back to town in 2005. He was a craftsman and a joy to everyone and helped everyone he could whenever he could. We experienced the best relationship we ever could have dreamed of (Lagena included) and dad really loved David which meant so much to me.
Dad became a treasure to everyone. All violence in him now dissipated as hugs became his weapon of choice.
I sit and write this surrounded by him in the house at 625 East Main Street. He did so much for me and David as did Lagena. Those two were the best team and I knew dad didn't do any project completely without her. My dining room table, small tables throughout the house, driveway, porch railing, but more than things - my heart was just filled with my love for my dad and almost more importantly, my respect. I realized that never in my life was I proud of my dad until the last 8 years. I grew to respect him like no other and I am so grateful to have had that relationship with him. Again, two lives I suppose and for him maybe 3 :>))
As he declined with glioblastoma multiform, dad never wavered in claiming he would be the first to beat it. He never complained - even after brain surgery and he lost the use of his left hand for the rest of his life, he would say, "aw...it'll get better". He remained positive and fighting until the end, but not angry with us like he was in the old days at times, angry that damn cancer was licking him.
My dad, bigger than life, 6'2" with the biggest appetite in the world, never sick for a day, never complained, could leap high building in a single bound (or at least disassemble giant wedding tents with super human strength), tell the funniest of jokes, laugh until he literally cried, love everyone and hug and squeeze everyone to the point of cracking ribs almost - that tower of strength could not fight the devil known as cancer. Dad always told us never to say hate, but he meant towards a person. I know you can't hate a disease, but I truly HATE cancer of robbing me of time with my dad. He was only 70 and so many good years left in him.
Mom was 54 when she died and David has already lost both his parents Jerry and Carole so I guess I should be grateful and I am, but still baffled as to the power of that disease. It took him down in a little over two years.
So in moving forward, the most important thing to me now is in fact pursuing a relationship with Lagena and my brother and keeping us all connected. Lagena and her family took tireless care of dad. I can't even express my gratitude for their care of him. It was unbelievable, but there again is the vow, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death. Dad had the great fortune of marrying two of the finest women I have ever known. What a lucky guy he was indeed!!!
I love my husband more than ever. Being an "orphan" makes my marriage even more special. Life is so precious and he has been sick with cancer in the past and every day I do everything I can to try and help him himself and keep it from coming back. That is my greatest and only fear in life. All is well right now and I will do everything I can to keep it that way.
I hope no one reads this. No one ever does to my knowledge. In writing it I at least feel better and also worse for digging up the past which I have all but buried. I suppose this is healthy in the long term. I won't ever dwell on it, but it's good not to forget.
I normally blog this time of year about mine and David's travels. We have been sticking close to home until dad died. Having him go over the holidays was actually a wonderful thing for me as I had the time to spend with him that I wanted, away from work, For that I am so grateful.
David and I plan to catch the travel bug again this year so the summer blog post should be much happier than this one.
Until then, signing off, remembering my dad CT Hill to me, Uncle Sonny to others, friend to all and ultimately, able to live and die the gentle, kind, and loving man he always wanted to be.
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